I'm graduating tomorrow. I dont think that I can comprehend right now what that feels like, and it prolly wont feel amazing since its just high school, but I think what will hit me is that it's the end of an era in my life.  After twelve years in school, I have emerged from my cocoon, and am spreading my wings into the real world.

Actually, it may take more that just those 12 years. I'm seeing another 4 years of undergrad, 4 years med school, 7 years residency, then practice. That in itself is another 15 years of schooling, all which I am looking foward to.

For those of you who dont know, and haven't been on my facebook page 24 hrs a day (and may not even read this entry, so why bother writing it here either?), I will be attending the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.  I know, its a mouthful.  Believe me, I realize that every time someone asks me "where are u going?"  Going to UIUC is definitely not expected.  I expected to go somewhere like an Ivy League, or something close to that like...idk NYU? which i soon found out that its not worth the money unless I'm doing business, which I wont be doing.  Not only is it not an Ivy League, its a Big Ten school. Now I NEVER thought that I would be attending a  Big Ten school. Never saw myself as a sport fanatic.  However, it is 38th in the nation as an University, so it isnt bad, considering I was aiming for the 12-20th range. 

On a more serious note, I was very pleased with my decision.  I've come to realize (and my parents are coming to realize, tho they are still in the mentality) that a school name will not get me fame and glory.  It wont even get me lots of money.  In fact, what it will get me is lots of debt.  I''ve also come to realize that a church at school is AS important is not MORE than the school itself.  Sure, its a great school, but it has a better church, and that's what I enjoy most about it. 

I realized that though I've made great school friends here, I will prolly make better friends in college.  Maybe some will remain closer than those in college, but considering that I will be spending 24/7 with my college friends, I think statistically I will be closer to them.  Also, one of my best friends (tho that makes no grammatical sense because since when can you have MORE than one BEST, I mean...that's just matematically incorrect) Jon is coming with me to Illinois.  I was thrilled when he told me, and thought he was joking and was ready to strangle him if he told me it was a joke.  But it wasn't, and I'm looking foward to spending 4 more years with him, though I sincerely hope that we do not get sick of each other, or that I become too attached to him (in the least gay way possible of course). 

A challenge that I will be facing in college is my long distance relationship. I've already had to deal with it this year, spending 32 miles away from my girlfriend.  This time, it's a whole 200 miles away, plus a time difference.  I dont think I've captured the magnitude of this challenge to you as a reader, or to myself.  I'm sure it will require a tremendous effort, of which I can only pray to have.  As a person, I'm very weak, not matter how cocky I act. I'm a weak person and I know it, and to accomplish this, or even have it turn out well, I need to become a freaking camel in school (for those that dont know that expression, it means to spend more time on my knees than my feet, and for further clarification, it means to pray ALOT). 

So what has these past 4 years of high school taught me?  Its taught me a couple of things
1)  Grades arent everything.  Its all about the relationships you've made.  Make as much as you can out of those relationships, because those are what you will remember after high school, not what you got on your algebra 2 final.
2)  More important than your school friends are those brothers and sisters who will pray for you, ask how your day was, let you drive their BMW beamer, and never ever judge or let out your secrets.  Cherish them. Love them. God put them in your life for a reason.
3)  You were put on this earth for a reason.  You are in your school for a reason.  You have specific friends for a reason.  Let yourself be an instrument.  Know that you have a purpose, and your life will be more meaningful.
4)  God is really good. We say that alot, but we dont know the meaning until He shows us how extremely good He is.  We dont know the value of life until we almost lose it. We dont understand how powerful prayer is, until we desperately call out to God over and over again because we know how helpless we are, and He overflows our cup with His blessings.  God is good.

So may you see that He is good. May that carry you through life day by day, and may you see that it is a gift. Because these 4 years have flown by. 18 years of my life have passed already.  I'm growing up, getting responsibilities.  And managing them wont be easy without God.  Cling to Him as hard as you can, not matter what.  When you fall, keep getting up.  Remember "the saints were just sinners that kept on getting up."  So keep getting up. 

it was snowing lightly.  the wind shield wipers were on and the heat was on full blast. i dont remember if we were holding hands or not; sometimes we do that, her hand on top of mine, mine on top of the gear shift.  the light had just turned yellow, and i was making the left turn.  i guess i didnt see him, i mean, even if i did, i expected him to stop.  the light was yellow already and i was already in the intersection.  suddenly, she gasped and said "watch out!".  it was too late of course.  the guy rammed into my side so fast that it pushed the car back to the cross walk.  my air bag blew open and my chin was numb.  smoke was coming out of the car, or was it dust? i dont remember.  i put the car in park, took the key out, looked at her and asked if she was alright.  "my glasses", she said, "bo wheres my glasses?" i got out of the car and helped her out and searched for them.  somehow, they had ended up in the back seat. i dont know the physics of this, but we mustve been hit pretty damn hard if her glasses that were on her face ended up behind her.  the worst part was, it wasnt even my car...

i turned 18 yesterday.  my girlfriend came and took me to the DMV to get my new license. no more restrictions on the number of people in my car or how late i can stay out.  i paid 19.50 for it, a new piece of plastic with the same information, same picture, only difference was that i was now an organ donor.  ironically, it might've been taken into effect in 4 hours...we got some coffee after that, then tired to find our way back to where she needed to be.  we drove down aimlessly, semi-concerned that we didnt know where we were, but it was alright because we were together. we finally found our way back to 287, and she proved that her directional sense wasnt all together as bad as i thought it was.  we got to our destination, and i decided to take the car back to my house because i needed to run a few errands for my mom, aka do the laundry.  she needed to tutor.  i got some gas, with her money, and drove home.  unfortunately, my mother was home already, unbeknowest to my knowledge, decorating the house for me with my brother.  we were going to go out that night for dinner, the 5 of us, to celebrate.  maybe zen's? i dont know.  i realized i couldnt be caught driving someone else's car, so i drove back.  i dwaddled on the highway, trying to conserve gas and kill some time.  when i got back, it was 4:30.  she had 15 minutes left. i waited til she was done, then got in the car to go back home.  my mom had just called me and asked where i was.  i assured her that we would be back for dinner. 

we headed down the road, talking about something, or maybe nothing, and the unbelieveable happened.

we told the police it was her that was driving, believing that if i told them i was driving and i wasnt insured on the car, i would've been screwed.  i was gonna get screwed anyways.  we told our parents the truth.  my mom was embarrassed of course. her parents were gonna blow the house down.  her dad said that we needed to correct this, because as christians, we shouldnt lie. no comment.  so we went down to the police station, waited for about an hour for the damned people to help us, and went home.  i was tired.  my innards felt weird, almost out of place.  my brother was happily talking about how he wanted to eat birthday cake.  my leg was sore. maybe i had hit it during the accident?  my chin and throat was scratched a little from the airbag i guess.  when my dad opened the door, i expected him to glare at me with that look that meant "you are the most stupid and irresponsible child i have ever known".  but instead, he opened his arms and said, "give me a hug. it'll be alright." that was the second time i cried that night.  we had dinner, my dad cheerfully talking about something.  my mom was tired from being out so long.  we had white wine with leftovers, but i didnt mind.  afterwards, i took a shower, and headed off to bed.

i realize that i could've died.  had the car been a little straighter, it wouldve been a head on collison.  i couldve died.  but i didnt. the Lord spared my life yesterday.  and it goes to show how we think we control our lives, but we dont.  i've been driving for a year, longer than she has.  and yet, i managed to get into an accident cuz some bimbo didnt want to wait at a light.  but we were alive.  and im thankful. im thankful for my parents and especially my dad, who looked at me, and said "give me a hug. it'll be alright."

and i believed him.